the noisy truth

I own a pair of boots that, when worn with tights or socks constructed of thin material, produce a peculiar sound when I walk. For reasons unknown, I forgot this particular piece of information when I donned the boots, accompanied by tights, earlier this week. The result was a bit of confusion and the diminishing of my self confidence because, instead of recognizing the true source of the sound, I assumed the culprit was my thighs rubbing together.

Now, for those of you who have never experienced chub-rub, the concept may be a bit foreign. However, for someone like myself who has encountered her fair share of weight issues, I can attest that the sound (and feeling) of your thighs rubbing together is not embraced by the host. It doesn't take a genius to deduct that the source of such a happening is being overweight, which is obviously not a desirable state.

So, you can imagine my relief when I realized the sound was not in fact my thighs being intimate, but instead a product of the boots. However, I couldn't shake the lingering thoughts triggered by the morning's events. Although I may have dodged the chub-rub bullet this time around, the reality is I have not been taking care of myself lately. Yes, a few weeks ago I touted my plan of running a marathon this year, but being sick has diminished that training. Actually, to be honest, I haven't run in more than two weeks. But it goes beyond the running -- the truth is I weigh nearly 20 pounds more than I did last year at this time. Ugh.

Thankfully, despite the weight gain, my clothes still fit (though ineptly in some cases) and I've remained in general good health. But, overall, I just don't feel like me. I realize my current plight is self induced and not at all unique, but it doesn't make it any easier to confront. Compounding to my situation is the fact that when I moved to Denver nearly three years ago, I was a lot heavier. In fact, at one point (about a year ago), I had lost more than 70 pounds, which is simultaneously encouraging and disheartening. On one hand, I know I can lose weight as I've done it in the past. But, on the other, although not back to my original starting point, I'm going to have to lose the same pounds again.

I'm not seeking sympathy or compliments or any other knee-jerk reaction that tends to accompany such a situation. Honestly, I'm not really looking for anything other than a place and an audience to dispense my thoughts and frustrations, which is really no different than any of my other posts -- this one is just a bit more personal. I would also love to say that now, because I have shared this with the world (or at least my readers or anyone else who happens to stumble across my blog), that by my next post, I will be well on my way to losing the weight. However, despite my body feeling a bit alienated to me right now, I know myself and I realize that it's going to take more than a blog post to kick me into gear.

One of my favorite motivational quotations is from Confucius, who said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I get it. I hear the message loud and clear. Now, I just need to get off my ass and take that first step.